Review by
Eric Hillis
Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Halle Berry, Patrick Wilson, John Bradley, Michael Peña, Charlie Plummer,
Kelly Yu, Donald Sutherland
In 1902 French filmmaker Georges Méliès took us on a trip to the moon. 120
years later German filmmaker Roland Emmerich is bringing the moon
to us. Moonfall has a setup that wouldn't be out of place in
the midpoint between those two dates, the golden age of sci-fi cinema of
the 1950s and '60s, when smart men loosened their ties and figured out to
save the planet while smart women made them coffee.
The moon has left its orbit and is on a collision course with Earth. Our
planet's brightest minds have three weeks to come up with an answer before
the giant ball of cheese comes crashing down on us.
As is usually the case, the American military decides the best course of
action is to nuke the shit out of the moon. Seeking a more level-headed
solution are NASA bigwig Jocinda Fowler (the backwards aging
Halle Berry) and disgraced former astronaut Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson). A decade earlier, the two were involved in an outer space incident
that left a third crew member dead when a load of space shite collided
with their shuttle. Jocinda took the side of the NASA authorities and
threw Brian under the bus. Can they settle their differences and save the
planet?
Well I guess two estranged former work colleagues makes a change from the
divorced couples that usually inhabit these movies. Wait, I spoke too
soon. Jocinda is divorced from a general in the US military (Eme Ikwuakor), while Brian's ex-wife (Carolina Bartczak) is now married to,
wouldn't you know it, a rich asshole (Michael Peña). Will either of
these couples rekindle their old flames? Well, it’s more likely than our
African-American and Caucasian leads hooking up, as
Moonfall is funded by Chinese money. Brian and Jocinda are
joined by comic-relief conspiracy theorist KC Houseman (John Bradley), who is exactly as funny as you imagine a comic-relief character in a
Roland Emmerich movie might be.
Moonfall opens with a warning that its many strobing effects
may be harmful to epileptics. It should have carried a similar warning for
those of allergic to clichés, as you'll be breaking out in a rash within
the first 10 minutes. Brian might be the most stereotypical action movie
hero ever conceived, checking every box. He's got a table full of eviction
notices, a fridge stocked solely with beer and a vintage car he's been
working on in his garage for God knows how long.
Much like his clichéd protagonist, Emmerich appears to have been coaxed
back to "do it for us one more time." Moonfall plays like
Emmerich's Greatest Misses compilation, with almost every scene lifted
from one of his previous movies. Manhattan is destroyed by a giant alien
structure while elsewhere characters attempt to run away from weather.
Emmerich could make this sort of movie in his sleep, and in this case you
may suspect he did.
Much of the film seems custom designed to give Neil DeGrasse Tyson an
aneurysm. Sci-fi blockbusters aren't generally known for their scientific
accuracy, but this really takes the biscuit. Long before the moon gets
anywhere near the Earth, our planet has already suffered so much damage
that it's going to be uninhabitable regardless of the outcome. Yet somehow
the electricity stays on. I have to reset my fuse box every time I plug an
iron in, but the lights can stay on as the moon is literally rolling
across the skyline of New York?
Moonfall is amusing for about 30 minutes for those of us who
can appreciate so-bad-it's-good movies, but as it lumbers on it just
becomes intolerable and you can feel yourself losing brain cells as the
minutes tick by. When Donald Sutherland is literally wheeled out to
deliver exposition, you may start to wonder if Herr Emmerich isn't playing
some ghastly joke on us. Germans and their sense of humour, huh?
Moonfall is on Prime Video UK now.
